A Christmas Story

After a calm and dry autumn, we finally got a lot snow a few days ago. My kids treat the snow like it is a new entree. They eat snow by the glovefuls. I used to try to explain that it isn't clean and that there is dust and dirt frozen with the water but it is just a waste of breath. I used to try to get them to stop licking the car but what is the point?

The other day at dinner Little D kept complaining that his tongue hurt. I didn't take much notice until the third or forth complaint and I finally came to my senses and asked him why his tongue hurt.

He had been licking the snow off a fence and got his tongue stuck.

I couldn't help but smile and laugh for a minute.

My mom saw this painting of Mary and Baby Jesus and she thought that the baby looked very similar to my little Lou when she was an infant. She showed me the painting and I had to agree. I saw Lou in the round face, the eyes, and the hairline...though Lou was never that chubby.

This isn't the best photo of Lou to show the resemblance, but you get the idea.


My mom has been painting a lot lately and she decided to change the painting into me and Lou. It isn't quite finished yet. I really like what my mom has done though I am jealous of the girl she painted because she is prettier than I am. My mom said it's because she painted me "wearing makeup". No one ever taught me how to wear makeup so I seldom wear it. If I'll look like her if I wear some then I want someone to teach me.


But I doubt if Mary ever wore makeup.

What've we been up to this month?

At the beginning of the month, the kids entered art projects into the Reflections Contest. The theme this year was "What is Beauty?" or something like that.

Lou's was eager to enter the contest after seeing her brothers do it for the past 3 years. She whipped out this drawing in about two minutes and was done. When I asked her for an artistic statement about her work she said "Strawberry Shortcake is beautiful because she is sweet and takes care of her friends." For Lou, almost everything revolves around beauty.

Little D disregarded the theme and created what he calls "Dragon Attack". He did say that he thinks the flames on the house are "beautiful". He drew about 15 or 20 rough drafts of Dragon Attack in the week leading up to the contest.


Ray also found it beneath him to keep to the beauty theme and created "Alien Genesis" He stated that this is a war between the "stock-eyed" aliens (on the left) and the "non-stock-eyed" aliens (on the right). He did note that the color of the alien world's ground is very "beautiful". This piece is really quite large, measuring about a foot tall and 3 feet long.

Despite the excellency of these entries, we didn't have a first place winner this year. Little D was really set on getting a trophy but since Ray and Lou didn't get one either, his little heart stayed intact.


Just yesterday Little D finally lost a tooth. This is a moment before the tooth came out. A chocolate chip cookie was what finally did the tooth in.

Little D has been counting on the money that the tooth fairy will bring so that he can go buy himself some toys. He figured that if he had twenty teeth to lose he was going to be able to buy something big. Ray explained to him how long it will take for him to actually get all that money.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night and Little D wondered if his saying "I don't believe in fairies" to taunt Lou had actually killed his tooth fairy. We are still waiting to see if she is alive.


Meanwhile, David has undergone more tests on that big 'ol floppy kidney of his. The doctor seems to want to be very sure of things before the kidney comes out because he keeps ordering just about every test and exam in the book. We are trying to be patient but both David and I are tired of the appendage coming out of his back (nephrostomy tube aka virtual wiener).


For our anniversary in the middle of November, we took the family to Bryce Canyon. It was brilliant...but it was also freezing. We drove through the canyon, and jumped out briefly at view points. I also got hit with vengeance by the flu (fever, chills, body aches, cough, etc etc) while we were there. We are going to come back to camp here in the summer when conditions are more favorable.














If you go through the small towns of Tropic, Cannonville and Henrieville in Bryce Valley and you meet someone who lives there, you have probably met one of Dave's distant cousins. This valley is where Dave's great-grandparents and grandparents-- the Johnson's-- and all their many offspring lived. We stayed at a motel in Cannonville that is owned by Dave's 2nd cousin and we went to church in Henrieville where Dave's cousin Jeff is the bishop.

Here are the headstones of two of Grandpa Johnson's brothers, Sixtus and Thorley.



This is the cabin where Dave's great-grandfather Sixtus lived, and where Dave's grandfather was born. It is still standing in Henrieville. I say the next Johnson family reunion shouldn't be at the park in front of my house but should be in Bryce Valley!


At church we visited with the last living sibling of Grandpa Johnson. Her name is Delpha.

On the way home we detoured through Cedar Breaks. We got stuck in the snow at one point and a man drug us out with his truck. Minivans are so wimpy--at least ours is. It was soooo cold here that the boys wouldn't get out of the car. What is Lou doing with and bare legs and without her coat? We were only at this spot for as long as it took to snap a shot.


That's November in a nut shell.

Ten Years

The past years that bring us to this point, the celebration of ten years of marriage, have been all at once heaven and hell . But the struggles are melting into victories. The broken hearts are mending and cleaving together. A friend recently told me through the words of CS Lewis that the deeper our capacity for feeling pain comes a greater capacity for feeling joy. I am living this.

I met David when I was just a girl. I've known him for half of my living years yet it seems I am just getting to know him. Back then, David played with the words hopeful wish. He had a hopeful wish that he and I would work out...but our relationship always teetered on a hope foolwish. We couldn't get it together. When we finally did marry we felt like we had realized a hope full wish. But marriage was just the beginning of the hopeful, hope fool and hope full wish stuff. When it comes down to it, love is difficult.

In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:

[T]hat something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.
To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

[Love] is a high inducement to the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world for himself for another's sake, it is a great exacting claim upon him, something that chooses him out and calls him to vast things. Only in this sense, as the task of working at themselves ("to hearken and to hammer day and night"), might young people use the love that is given them.


Coming out on the other side of this decade and entering into the next is a victory and I look forward with hopeful wish that we will yet become hope full wish.

David, I love you.

I chose you.

I still do.



Photography by Emilie Campbell

Carnival

Life has been a carnival lately. Actually this year became a carnival starting from January and it hasn't stopped since. Here is what has been going on just in the last two weeks:

Dave woke up one morning and got up on the roof to put on snow gems. Snow gems keep the snow from sliding off our metal roof in huge sheets. He got the job half done when his drill died so after it charged for a little while he got back up to finish the job. It was shaping up to be a great productive day until David fell off the ladder. The last thing he saw was the writing on the top step that said "This is not a step". Yes, he stepped on that step and fell 8 feet or so gracefully onto his back and he did this:

Snapped his humerus in half. I saw him do it too. It scared me when he landed. I'm really glad that x-ray is of his arm and not his head though. We thought the arm was the worst of it... it does suck pretty bad because Dave, being the handy man that he is, earns his living with his hands and this break means he can't work like he usually does. Great.

After a few days, David started to have incredible pain in his abdomen. We thought that maybe it was gas built up from taking Lortab and his bowels had slowed down a bit. That was pretty much what some of the pain was but then when it became absolutely unbearable (and Dave isn't a wimp about pain) we went back to the ER and they did a CT scan and found this:
A huge ginormous right kidney that has been partially obstructed apparently all his life and slowly became dilated and practically unrecognizable as a kidney. His fall of the roof must have caused the partially obstructed kidney to become completely obstructed (probably from edema or a clot) and Dave's abdomen was starting to resemble a woman in third trimester. We were sent to Radiology to get a Nephrostomy tube placed to drain the thing. Here is David before the procedure. He could barely walk. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't drink.


I was able to slip away while we waited for the Doctor to have time for the procedure and I went to the kids' Halloween Parade at school. Here are the costumes we came up with (I didn't have time to be creative):

Lou borrowed a Snow White dress from cousin Stella

Ray was Frankenstein's Monster

and little D wore Ray's costume from last year.
I think he is a ghoul but he couldn't wear the mask at school.

Meanwhile David was getting a fever waiting for the procedure.

Finally they placed the tube in his back.

Shauna helped drain off 1500 ml of urine from his kidney. To put that into perspective, on average a normal kidney only has 3-5 ml's of urine in it at any given time. The rest is usually draining to the bladder. Dave is seriously messed up.

He felt quite a bit better after the procedure and has been feeling better ever since...but now we are waiting to get a Nuclear Renal Scan done (when I hear that I see dollar signs in the sky) and after that we will know whether he needs surgery to take the kidney out or surgery to unobstruct/reconstruct the kidney. Either way it all means surgery. I kid around with the kids that for Christmas this year we are all getting kidney pie.

After the procedure, by default I was the pumpkin carver. Usually this is Dave's job. The kids made it easy for me though because they pretty much just drew triangle eyes and noses and nothing too fancy.

So now...I really want life to slow down.

But it hasn't yet. I have been working more at the shop and spending less time at home. The kids have been good sports coming to work with Dave and I when necessary. Lou has been having Daddy withdrawals and lots of tantrums lately. She is used to climbing all over him and she can't do that now. I think she is a little lonely and I also think she is jealous of me too because I have had to be Dave's left arm- helping him bathe, get dressed, tie his shoes etc. Lou argued this morning with me about clothes Dave should wear.




It has been interesting lately in a carnival sort of way. In a carnival that you never want to visit again because it's horrible sort of way.

Apple Peaches Pumpkin Pie

This year I could only count on Little D to help harvest the pumpkins. Even though many pumpkins were trying to grow it was a meager crop and only two are Jack-O-Lanternable. I let Little D have at it with a heave hoe!

Pumpkin Number One




Pumpkin Number Two






I also harvested my carrots. It was a heebie-jeebie experience. I never knew what I would pull up out of the earth and how many appendages it might come with. It was akin to Harry Potter and the Mandrakes.


Here are the best of the crop and we are going to eat every single one! Because they are tasty and I grew them. (I had to chuck some of the more gruesome ones.)

My next task is applesauce.

About 6 weeks ago I started to work with David at The Scooter Lounge. I like it a lot- something that surprises me quite a bit. I go to work in the morning with Lou and then swing her by kindergarten and work until school gets out. Working at the shop has had two major effects on my life. The first is that I have lost significant hours during the day when I used to clean the house and run errands etc. so now I try to squeeze that all in after the kids get home and if you only knew how horrific it is to bring Ray along on errands you would really feel for me. My time is frantic and furious. The second effect working at the shop has had on me is that I don't really want to do all those things that need getting done like the cleaning and the cooking and the laundry and the shopping. I've found myself wanting to spend more time at the shop...but I know I have to keep this in check with domestic necessities and more importantly with being a good mom. I wish my kitchen would cook food by itself. I have yet to really let the housework slide too far--that's not my personality--but it used to consume a lot of time in my day and now it doesn't. I'm glad it doesn't. It feels like I'm waking up. Now I pick one or two things that need to be done (like the dishes and cooking dinner) and that's all I have time to do.

So I want to make applesauce. I bought a HUGE box of apples tonight and I have to find time to do this. I can already see what is going to happen.

I'll be staying up late- very late- one of these nights.

Goblins Everywhere 2009

We went camping in Goblin Valley for my birthday (my choice). The boys took off running. David called out for Raycito to watch out,,,because he might actually start hiking.

Later Ray went over his rules of hiking with me.

• 1. Must not be mandatory
• 2. Must be able to wander wherever he chooses.
• 3. Must be able to stop and rest whenever he chooses and for as long as he chooses.
• 4. Must not be a sunny hot day.
• 5. Must be no sand that can get into his shoes.

If all this criteria is met, he will "hike" happily.

Lou hikes happily so long as she's holding hands, being held, or is otherwise attached to her dad.

We went with cousins and friends (9 adults and 14 kids to be exact).

Half of the group took off is search of a cave that the other half of the group told us about.

The Dave Hurtado clan stopped along the way for an unsuccessful photo opportunity.

The Tom Hurtado clan stopped for a more successful photo opportunity.

Following vague but surprisingly accurate directions, we found a slot in the rock that was the opening to the cave we were in search of. I opted to be the last one to go in because my anxiety button gets pushed when people are in front of me and behind me in such tight quarters.

Upon squeezing through, the slot opened up into a little room full of people I love. It was very dark in there but there was a stream of sunlight coming through from above.

The men climbed up and found that they could get out through the top. It was a cool adventure

and a great 34th birthday.

Diamond Fork Hot Spring

The Brigham's Bees became a club years ago but we lost touch.
This year the club was resurrected.
We rode all around
Utah County
Heber
Squaw Peak
Payson
and the canyons of
Spanish Fork
American Fork
and Provo.
We ate out a lot and
talked around a campfire.
We got together almost
every other week.
Our last ride of the season was to
Diamond Fork hot springs.

It was a very exciting ride through Spanish Fork Canyon
which is along one of the deadliest highways in America.
We made it safe and sound to Three Forks.

It is 2.5 miles to the hot springs from the trail head.

The hike to the hot springs was mild and peaceful.

I enjoyed the crisp air and the changing leaves

and the river running through.


And I especially liked being there with David.

The water was full of minerals bubbling up
from some smoldering center.

The temperature was hot
because the flow from the river was low.

Soaking in the natural bath was relaxing.

I even enjoyed the smell
of sulphur.


I'm looking forward to next year's rides
and where our scooters
will take us.

The First Time

Songs come into my head to give words to my emotions. Not every single line expresses how I feel but the music fills the background of my thoughts.

When I was six, my dad bought a tape player with headphones. I wanted to listen so bad but my brothers got first dibs and they monopolized it for what seemed like days but it was probably only hours. I was awakened from sleep when my brother placed the headphones on my ears for the first time and I was astonished by how the music filled my head. It was everywhere around me. My senses were awakened. I yelled over the music to say how much I liked it.

People and places have music in my memory.

My childhood is The Beatles and the song Band on the Run.
The boy I liked in high school is The Origin.
Hartman and Trevor are The Jam and The English Beat.
My Vegas friends are The Smiths.
Provo High is The Indigo Girls and Edie Brickell.
A guy I dated is Green Day.
Another guy is Cowboy Junkies.
Another guy is The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Freshman year is The Cranberries and The Specials.
Ray-ray's birth is Coldplay.
Saturday night is Bee Gees and Abba.
Alaska is Fleetwood Mac.
The Good Earth is Tracy Chapman.
My mom is Sting.
Little D's colic is Gypsy Kings.
My mission is Shakira.
Provo is Sunfall Festival.
Summer 2009 is Josh Ritter and Arcade Fire.
Sunnie is Crowded House.
Zee is Natalie Merchant.
Emilie is Heart.
Amanda is Bjork.
Jacob is Jamiroquai.



David is U2
and Cocteau Twins
and Radiohead
and Stereolab
and Arcade Fire.
and The Ocean Blue
and Mazzy Star
and Cafe Tacuba
and Elvis Presley
and Cowboy Junkies
and The Sundays
and Wilco

Somewhere in there is Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Talking Heads, The Proclaimers, The Cure, Echo and the Bunneyman, Everything But The Girl, Toad The Wet Sprocket, Eurythmics and even Enya...

and more...


But the music I always come back to over and over is and may always be U2. They fill the background of my thoughts over and over.



The First Time
by U2

I have a lover
A lover like no other
She got soul, soul, soul, sweet soul
And she teach me how to sing

Shows me colors when there`s none to see
Gives me hope when I can`t believe that
For the first time I feel love

I have a brother
When I`m a brother in need
I spend my whole life running
He spends his running after me

When I feel myself going down
I just call and he comes around
But for the first time I feel love

My father was a rich man
He wears a rich man`s cloak
Gave me the key to his kingdom (coming)
Gave me a cup of gold
He said `I have many mansions
And there are many rooms to see`
But I left by the back door
And I threw away the key

For the first time
For the first time
For the first time
I feel love

4 In The Morning

by No Doubt

Waking up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I’m lying here in the dark
Watching you sleep, it hurts a lot

And all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning
And the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are
I can’t be complete
Can you give me more?

And all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handing over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning
And the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your love up for me
We can’t escape the love
Give me everything that you have

And all I know is
You’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

I give you everything that I am
I’m handing over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning
And the tears are pouring
And I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

Give you everything
Give you all of me


I saw No Doubt when they opened for U2. David and I went together. What was going on back then? I don't remember any details. My perception of that time would be altogether different from the reality anyway.

Perception.

I've been thinking about that word lately. One person's perception of an experience is not another's of the same experience. Our perception is shaped by so many influences different from another's. How can we ever know how things really are or how someone else perceives things?

I think my perception of my life is so far from what is real-- but unless I can somehow change my perceptions, how I view things is my truth.

I'll hold on to that even if it is a lie.

Cochabamba, Bolivia

Part of my heart is colla with a little bit of camba.

My Refrigerator As Is

I had to take the picture down...I was feeling too naked with my refrigerator exposing me.

About A Boy

It feels like a while since I've written anything. It's not that I'm not thinking about things to write. It's that my thoughts lately are not for the mass public to read so I've settled on not writing. The easiest thing to do in this predicament is to write something cute and funny about my kids- as trite as that may be. My subject this time will be my second born son.

I have been puzzled lately by the behavior of my sweet Little D. If you were to ask David or I to name good qualities about Little D we would both first say that he has a sweet disposition. We always say that. Why do we say that? It makes no sense when he is the grumpiest little bugger every morning. Four out of five school days he wakes up with a scowl yelling that he hates school and that he's not going. He refuses to get dressed until the last minute and wastes his whole bowl of cereal. Is this sweet?

About a week ago I was a bit late getting home from work and the boys were in the backyard after school waiting for me to unlock the door. If I'm not home right when they get there I've told them to hang out and jump on the tramp or something because I'll be coming along shortly. They were following instructions until Little D decided to try to kick open his window. The window didn't stand for much kicking very long and soon broke. Is this sweet?

Little D also decided he doesn't like to do his homework. He grumbles and fumes each day when I tell him that he can play as soon as his homework is done. The other day he decided that he was done doing homework and to make sure, he ate it. He ATE the whole worksheet his teacher had sent home. He also announced he's not going to say his part in the primary program or even be in the program and he ATE the piece of paper that had the line he was supposed to memorize. Is this sweet?

He boycotts my dinners each night.
He fusses about the bumps in his socks.
He hid his own shoes when he didn't want to get dressed.
He refuses to say family prayers.
He sneaks out of his seat belt when I'm driving.
He won't sing at primary or at home for FHE.
He doesn't flush the toilet.
He tells me he brushed his teeth when he hasn't.
He eats all the gum out of my purse.
He stuffs everything in his closet and pronounces his room "Clean".

Is this sweet?

I can't help it.

He is sweet Little D and he always will be. All this stuff he's doing that is so unlike him is actually exactly like him-- but he will always be sweet Little D. I will always be smitten by him.


I just have a lot of work to do.

September 18th-19th, 2009

I missed the worst rally ever because I spent the last 3 days in my darkened bedroom recovering from the worst pain ever. It felt like my eyeballs were being rubbed with sand paper and poked with needles all weekend. It was intense. I'm still not totally recovered. I had PRK - corrective vision surgery. Holy! Cow! It! Hurt!

David threw a fun last-minute-thrown-together rally for all Utah County Scooterists and I was sorry to miss out on it all. Dave and I will have to have our own Alpine Loop ride soon.

September 13th

Remembering...

Where I Go

Years ago I wandered in orchards, often laying down between rows of trees. I can be still in a place like that for a long time. Later I added the banks of Provo River to where I go. I go to see and to listen and to feel quiet. After I became acquainted with the cemetery on the eastern benches of Provo, Trevor's resting place, I added that to where I go. I go there often.

I went there during a long break-up between David and I when we were dating. It was the summer of 1999. I went and sat on the XU SHUI ZHANG bench so I could see and listen and make sense of a crashed and burned courtship. I had broken off our engagement months earlier and was dating someone else but I couldn't get David out of my thoughts. I was infected with him.

From my bench I could clearly see the street leading from David's home nearby to the cemetery. I really wanted him to know that I was there on that bench wishing he would come. I focused my mind on the chance that he would sense my longing and find me. "Come." I said over and over in my thoughts. A green Ford Galaxie 500 suddenly pulled out onto the street. I sucked in my breath and stared in amazement as it started to come my way. I felt relief mixed with a fast pulse and I looked out at the mountains and the lake. Within minutes the Galaxie rumbled around the bend and came to a stop near where I was sitting. David got out, crossed the grass, and sat down beside me. I put my head on his shoulder. "I wanted you to come." "I knew you were here." David reassured me that everything would work out somehow. Everything felt so complicated and messed up and really everything was, but I knew that I felt peace and comfort with him next to me.

The cemetery continues to be where I go to soothe the conflict in my heart. I see the sunflowers, the scrub oak, the valley, the mountains, the sky. I ponder over the gravestones and newly dug grave sites. The living and the dead - side by side.

The living and the dead, figuratively side by side in my life, are at once both beautiful and painful -and strangely powerful teachers.

Oil of Joy for Mourning

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.
Isaiah 61:1-3

Trevor took these words of Isaiah and put them into a song years ago with the help of his girlfriend. I can still hear the melody and see his face when he sang Isaiah 61. We sang it for him at his funeral in October 1996. The song was repeating in my mind one night in February the following year when I was lost in the mountains with a friend from school. This guy Chris invited me to go hiking somewhere in southern Utah. It was supposed to be an afternoon hike to an arch, straight in and straight back out. Somehow on the way out we skipped onto another path and went into a neighboring canyon. We walked errantly as the sun started to set, wondering "Shouldn't we be there by now?" The once familiar scenery turned eerily unrecognizable and we doubled back thinking we'd see the way to the parked car soon. The sun disappeared and the cold set in. What had been a mild day in February, a light jacket sufficient while there was sun, turned into a freezing night. The snow lit our way under moonlight. We walked in the direction that felt right but then the path opened up into a wide dirt road we hadn't ever seen before so we decided to abandon the idea of finding the right way out and we took the dirt road thinking it had to hit a main road sometime and we could hike back to our car. The night chill started to set in. I was freezing.

It felt really lonely out there. I was glad I had someone to talk to and my mind went back to Trevor. How could he have wanted to be alone out there on Boulder Mountain? I felt sad thinking of him under the stars and the pines by himself. He had only been dead 5 months and I was mourning. I told Chris about him and I sang the song. The words were comforting to me. I wondered if my dad was going to lose it when I didn't come home and if he was going to come look for me too.

We walked until 10 p.m. I was getting too cold. When I had to pee I couldn't get my pants undone or done up again and I had to ask Chris to help me. I was too cold and miserable to be embarrassed about anything. I wanted a fire. We started looking for dry wood. We got a fire going and huddled close to it; so close that it burned holes in my pant cuffs but the small fire couldn't penetrate the cold in my bones. Chris was puzzled by how we got lost and felt responsible. We ate the last of a few saltines between us and watched the fire. Sleep escaped me. It was a miserable night.

In the morning Chris stood up and stretched, commenting on how beautiful everything was. He was intent on making the best of a bad situation. I looked up at him and gave him the biggest stink eye I could come up with. He snapped a picture. We started out and after a while we could see the road. We looked to the left and saw across the desert a landmark we recognized indicating the parking lot. It was only about a mile away and we joyously hustled to the car. We drove back home, hitting a snow storm, with the heater full blast. My family hadn't realized I hadn't come home. I crashed in my warm bed.

This story has been in my mind for a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because it is September and this time of year has Trevor in the air. Maybe because it's a story about an errant path and finding a way back. Maybe it's in my mind because of the song and my heart lifts up in praise to Jesus Christ, the oil of joy for mourning. Back when Trevor died, Jesus' triumph over temporal death became pinnacle in my testimony. I rejoiced knowing there was life after death and the decayed body of my brother would be rejoined perfectly with his spirit. Death has no sting. These days I have been feeling an overwhelming gratitude for Jesus' triumph over spiritual death. He does bind up the brokenhearted. He does liberate the captive. He does give oil of joy for mourning.

Little D Does Not Need Glasses

When I was a little kid I wished I had braces. My teeth came in perfectly straight but since my best friend Kari had braces, I felt left out. I started to put little rubber bands on my teeth to pretend. They hurt a little bit and the rubber tasted disgusting but it was worth the imitation. Little kids sometimes want things that other kids have even if it's painful or ridiculous or ugly.

Little D wants glasses. Maybe it's because both his big brother Ray and his favorite cousin Sammy have glasses and they talk about how they are twins. Little D must feel left out because he searched the medicine cabinet until he found an old pair of Ray's glasses to wear. I gave him the common sense parental speech about how he doesn't need glasses and he should be grateful he doesn't have bad eyes and that I wish my eyes were like his and I'm going to have to spend lots of money in order to do it. I also explained that wearing glasses when you don't need them isn't good for your eyes. All this didn't sink in--except for one thing. Little D started to get a headache and felt dizzy after wearing the glasses. But this only helped him to realize that he needed glasses with plain glass in them. Somehow he solicited Boo Crandall, a long-time friend of Dave and I to get him a pair of glasses that would work. Boo came through.

I saw Little D coming home from school the other day. He was riding his scooter and his backpack was on his back, and a pair of big black rimmed glasses were on his face. I think it was just about the most adorable thing I've seen lately.

adorable little D

He let me know that his teacher told him he could only wear his glasses to school on "Glasses Day" (whenever that is).

This all reminds me of my sister-in-law Amanda (aka Manna). David asked her to speak at his farewell when he was leaving to serve a mission. Manna was really shy back then about things like sharpening her pencil in front of kids at school and probably things like speaking in front of 200 people. She did it though and I was really proud of her. She walked slowly up to the front of the chapel, looking down (there was no way she'd sit in front on the stand). She pulled out her talk and put it on the podium and then she pulled out a pair of frames (no lenses in the frames mind you) and put them on. Her eyes are about as perfect as Little D's but with those frames, she had the courage to give her talk (with her head down the whole time). Then she took them off and folded them up and put them away and shuffled off of the stand. It was a moment that endeared Manna to me forever... like how I felt toward Little D when I saw him cruising home the other day.

manna bear

P.S. No one seemed to think I was cool for wearing glasses, unless the girl who came up to me and said "I don't mean to be rude but those glasses make you look like a bug!" really meant "I'm jealous of your cool pink on the top, purple on the bottom glasses that cover half your face." Thanks mom for picking those ones out for me.

Lou's First Day

By her expression, she looked a little unsure about her first day of kindergarten,
but I think she was joshing me.

I followed her down the halls

because she seemed to know exactly where to go

and what to do.

I asked her about her first day and she said
"I felt a little nervous at first but then I started to smile."

My baby is in the public school system. When I picked her up and watched her meander through the halls, I had such a strange feeling about seeing her there. Not really sadness that she's growing up, but awe for her because she is so comfortable with big changes. She is such a little girl with great big confidence.





(I also had another feeling--I want to have another baby.)

Thank You Jalapeño

On Sunday afternoon, Raycito came into the kitchen where I was chopping up a fresh jalapeño. "You need to get dressed to go to church for the dedication in a half hour buddy" I said. The spicy fumes from the jalapeño wafted up into my mouth and nose as I spoke and suddenly caught my throat.

Ray pulled out old Boo Radley and argued "NO! I don't want to go to the dedication. I'm not going. I hate Sunday clothes! There is no way I am going. I don't have to!"

We had already had this conversation. I wasn't excited about the repeat argument. "You are going. Do not argue with me. You are going to go downstairs and get dressed and don't give me any more problems about it!" I argued back.

But my voice sounded funny, like I was about to cry, and the jalapeño fumes got into my eyes and they started to water as I spoke. My face felt a little red and hot from trying to gasp out the words through a wind pipe partially closed off.

Ray was a little startled and he looked up into my face quizzically. He hesitated a moment and said "I'm sorry Mom. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm so sorry. I'll get dressed."

"Hmm." I cocked my head to the side, realizing he'd mistaken that the argument had brought me to tears.

"Thank you jalapeño!" I thought to myself with a smile as Ray hurried downstairs to change.


I might need to use you more often.